I don't get sick very often, but when I do there is one thing that is sure to come to my mind: dependence. I dislike feeling weak and vulnerable even more than throwing up or any pain I may have.
I am not a very dependent person naturally (especially when I do not have the choice). I like to get things done on my own. That is probably why I don't like working in groups that much (although I think that working in groups is overall better than working alone).
My thoughts specifically drift toward dependence on God. It is something I have struggled with a lot. I usually don't think about it until I get ill or until something I try doesn't work the way I thought I could pull it off. For me, dependence is normally a last effort at trying to fix some sort of crisis of life/faith.
This has especially been on my mind lately since I sustained probably the longest lasting injury of my life so far.
I have been recovering the past two months from a fractured clavicle. It is a frustrating injury for me because only one small section of my body is out of commission, but it is an important part and has kept me from doing a lot of what I normally do.
Nevertheless, I have almost completely healed now. In a resurgence of strength I have been able to jump back into my self empowered life.
But I am not too far from the injury as to forget about the dependence my life has been based around of late. And last week, during a Taize service, I was left with God to talk about dependence.
The scripture reading was the passage where Jesus goes to the garden of Gethsemane; and, after meditating on how God will be there to support me when I exhaust myself, I then turned toward what it truly means to be dependent on God. Up to this point, I thought that meant waiting on God to engage me or intercede in my life. I wanted to depend on God the way a baby depends on its parents. It seemed a very passive process for my part.
But suddenly I was struck with the phrase “I sacrifice my will to you, O Lord.” And I thought about that in light of dependence. Could a preemptive sacrificing of my will be the ultimate form of dependence on God, a true form of trusting completely in Him?
Dependence is not a passive state; rather, it is the active sacrificing of your will moment by moment. It is allowing God to guide and direct your life. And that is truly freeing.
Dependence is not good in and of itself. Parasitic relationships are founded on dependence. The parasite is completely dependent on the host. Even though such a parasite may often harm or even kill the host, it must have and prey on that host to live. The parasite is dependent, but for purely selfish gains. A sacrificial dependence protects against such a greedy, parasitic relationship with God that depends on Him only to provide us with a good life.
And to be fair, this relationship, be it good or bad, doesn't start with us. It starts with God's love and mercy. So, I guess in a sense we do have to wait for God to do something. But, He has already done it! And through his engagement with this world and intercession in our lives, we are able to take on God's will for our own lives and live dependently on/in Him.
Today I went to my third physical therapy session. At the very end I asked for an ice pack and got to lay down with the ice for a good 10 minutes. While laying there I closed my eyes and thought about that therapy session. The guidance I received to safely re-strengthen my limp, weak arm without re-injuring it, the gentle stretching of my stiff shoulder, and the soft, silky hands messaging my tense arm (I do have a woman therapist, jfyi). Maybe dependence isn't so bad after all (in a non-parasitic way).
No comments:
Post a Comment